Evelyn the Optimist

Evelyn was born and raised in a quiet town in the US. She is afraid of burnt toast and men, and fears that men will come and toast the bread that she currently keeps in a bread box on her surgically clean kitchen counters. She delights in bologna with interjecting green olives and learned her times tables while she was on an extended trip with her family through southeastern Europe. She hates tofu and garden burgers on principle, being that they are completely inadequate replacements for meat, although she dislikes meat, and she disdains anything that tries to promote itself as anything other than what it is, especially toast which is the corpse-form of bread. She is told that she is quirky and that one day, some man will come to understand and love her, but thus far, she has only encountered the self-titled "Harold the Suave" who deposited an entire bottle of anti-dandruff shampoo all over his pants whilst attempting to offer her unpurchased flowers from the hermetically-sealed glass cases at the front of the supermarket before fleeing to the small nook between the dairy and meat sections where his shrieking mother would not, in theory, notice him. However, Evelyn remains optimistic at least in the near future because as the spring weather nears and the birds begin to chirp in the trees, it seems to her statistically less likely that most people will want to eat toast for breakfast.